Whisperings of the Spirit

Last Sunday's lesson was on Elder Bednar's talk The Spirit of Revelation. There were the usual stories shared about how listening to the Holy Ghost and following the prompting provided an immediate manifestation that the right thing had been done. The teacher did try to acknowledge that not always do the manifestations come quickly. One sister shared that is how her husband felt about their move to Spokane--they felt very inspired/prompted to move, but thus far no overt sign of why they are here has been given. But even with the teacher guiding the discussion towards "we don't always know right away why we received a certain prompting" and the sister sharing her story, the other comments kept revolving around the theme of immediate manifestation. Up until about 10 months ago, this lesson would have left me feeling very sad and incomplete because most of my interactions with the Spirit have revolved around inspiration of where to find a lost/misplaced object (usually my car keys or wedding ring).  I identified myself in the quote from Elder Bednar:

We as members of the Church tend to emphasize marvelous and dramatic spiritual manifestations so much that we may fail to appreciate and my even overlook the customary pattern by which the Holy Ghost accomplishes His work...I have talked with many individuals who question the strength of their personal testimony and underestimate their spiritual capacity because they do not receive frequent, miraculous, or strong impressions. (emphasis added).

I am guilty of the emphasis added part. I often doubted by spiritual capacity because I didn't have what I considered quintessential stories of personal revelation. I felt like a failure and a fake because I didn't seem to be the visiting teacher who had the inspiration to drop off a plate of cookies at the right time. Or the neighbor who just "knew" that someone needed to be visited at that very moment. I was never a missionary who was guided to just the right door. I felt like I must not be doing something right because I didn't have any dramatic stories to share.

Oh and how I wanted to have some of those stories. I prayed fervently that I might be that inspired visiting teacher, neighbor, member missionary, etc. I tried hard to be in tune with the Spirit and sensitive to His whisperings. I remember one time that I thought for sure that I had felt an inspiration to visit a certain sister. I thought as I was driving to her house, "yes, finally I will be that person who come just at the right moment." And yet when I arrived at the sister's house all well was well. I'm sure she was glad for my visit, but she sure didn't appear to need anything and she didn't express that she had been praying for someone to visit. I left feeling defeated and questioning whether I felt the Spirit at all. Another time I thought I felt inspired to give a copy of the Book of Mormon to a dear friend. I was nervous to do so, but I felt the inspiration. I trusted the advice given in all the lessons and talks about missionary work that if we just follow the inspiration everything will work out and often times the friendship will be strengthened. Unfortunately, that was not my experience. My friend slowly began to distance herself from me and never acknowledged receiving the Book. Again, I felt like a failure and questioned why in the world I was not hearing the Holy Ghost properly.

I believe that those feelings of inadequacy were significant contributors to my crisis of faith last October. Why should I continue with being a Mormon, if I couldn't even correctly identify the whisperings of the Holy Ghost and didn't have any stories to show how righteously I was living. In my mind, righteous living was evidenced by the number of stories you had to share about following promptings and immediately seeing the results. My inspiration to find lost items seemed so elementary, nay, rudimentary. Shouldn't I be more developed than that in my relationship with the Holy Ghost? After all, I have been a member whole life and received the gift of having the Holy Ghost as my constant companion at age 8. As I struggled with my weakening testimony, I turned once again to my Heavenly Father and He did indeed answer my prayers.

He enlightened my mind. I realized that the types of stories I was seeking to add to my life were not necessarily my gift. The Holy Ghost whispered to me at other times and for other purposes. The Spirit always guided me as I was writing the Primary program for the years I was serving in the Primary Presidency. He always guides me as I prepare talks or lessons. I have people witness to me that His presence has been felt as I have given the lesson and guided the discussion. I really can't discount those inspirations for finding lost objects; those are small manifestations to me that my Heavenly Father loves me and is concerned about all aspects of my life. Most importantly the Holy Ghost provides inspiration and guidance in decisions that will be important to my family.

I am grateful for Elder Wirthlin's wise words:

The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father's children is different to some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole.

I have learned that we all hear the whisperings of the Spirit in different ways and for different purposes. Some are gifted to hear the whisperings that guide them to the soul that is in need of comfort or direction. Others are gifted to hear the whisperings to save them or someone else from danger. And still others are gifted to hear the whisperings of the Holy Ghost as lessons, talks (and maybe even blog posts) are prepared.

I've also learned that I am OK and when I find myself starting to compare myself to others I just remember the words of Elder Wirthlin. And the words on a small figurine I used to have when I was young, "God don't make no junk."