Whisperings of the Spirit

Last Sunday's lesson was on Elder Bednar's talk The Spirit of Revelation. There were the usual stories shared about how listening to the Holy Ghost and following the prompting provided an immediate manifestation that the right thing had been done. The teacher did try to acknowledge that not always do the manifestations come quickly. One sister shared that is how her husband felt about their move to Spokane--they felt very inspired/prompted to move, but thus far no overt sign of why they are here has been given. But even with the teacher guiding the discussion towards "we don't always know right away why we received a certain prompting" and the sister sharing her story, the other comments kept revolving around the theme of immediate manifestation. Up until about 10 months ago, this lesson would have left me feeling very sad and incomplete because most of my interactions with the Spirit have revolved around inspiration of where to find a lost/misplaced object (usually my car keys or wedding ring).  I identified myself in the quote from Elder Bednar:

We as members of the Church tend to emphasize marvelous and dramatic spiritual manifestations so much that we may fail to appreciate and my even overlook the customary pattern by which the Holy Ghost accomplishes His work...I have talked with many individuals who question the strength of their personal testimony and underestimate their spiritual capacity because they do not receive frequent, miraculous, or strong impressions. (emphasis added).

I am guilty of the emphasis added part. I often doubted by spiritual capacity because I didn't have what I considered quintessential stories of personal revelation. I felt like a failure and a fake because I didn't seem to be the visiting teacher who had the inspiration to drop off a plate of cookies at the right time. Or the neighbor who just "knew" that someone needed to be visited at that very moment. I was never a missionary who was guided to just the right door. I felt like I must not be doing something right because I didn't have any dramatic stories to share.

Oh and how I wanted to have some of those stories. I prayed fervently that I might be that inspired visiting teacher, neighbor, member missionary, etc. I tried hard to be in tune with the Spirit and sensitive to His whisperings. I remember one time that I thought for sure that I had felt an inspiration to visit a certain sister. I thought as I was driving to her house, "yes, finally I will be that person who come just at the right moment." And yet when I arrived at the sister's house all well was well. I'm sure she was glad for my visit, but she sure didn't appear to need anything and she didn't express that she had been praying for someone to visit. I left feeling defeated and questioning whether I felt the Spirit at all. Another time I thought I felt inspired to give a copy of the Book of Mormon to a dear friend. I was nervous to do so, but I felt the inspiration. I trusted the advice given in all the lessons and talks about missionary work that if we just follow the inspiration everything will work out and often times the friendship will be strengthened. Unfortunately, that was not my experience. My friend slowly began to distance herself from me and never acknowledged receiving the Book. Again, I felt like a failure and questioned why in the world I was not hearing the Holy Ghost properly.

I believe that those feelings of inadequacy were significant contributors to my crisis of faith last October. Why should I continue with being a Mormon, if I couldn't even correctly identify the whisperings of the Holy Ghost and didn't have any stories to show how righteously I was living. In my mind, righteous living was evidenced by the number of stories you had to share about following promptings and immediately seeing the results. My inspiration to find lost items seemed so elementary, nay, rudimentary. Shouldn't I be more developed than that in my relationship with the Holy Ghost? After all, I have been a member whole life and received the gift of having the Holy Ghost as my constant companion at age 8. As I struggled with my weakening testimony, I turned once again to my Heavenly Father and He did indeed answer my prayers.

He enlightened my mind. I realized that the types of stories I was seeking to add to my life were not necessarily my gift. The Holy Ghost whispered to me at other times and for other purposes. The Spirit always guided me as I was writing the Primary program for the years I was serving in the Primary Presidency. He always guides me as I prepare talks or lessons. I have people witness to me that His presence has been felt as I have given the lesson and guided the discussion. I really can't discount those inspirations for finding lost objects; those are small manifestations to me that my Heavenly Father loves me and is concerned about all aspects of my life. Most importantly the Holy Ghost provides inspiration and guidance in decisions that will be important to my family.

I am grateful for Elder Wirthlin's wise words:

The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father's children is different to some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole.

I have learned that we all hear the whisperings of the Spirit in different ways and for different purposes. Some are gifted to hear the whisperings that guide them to the soul that is in need of comfort or direction. Others are gifted to hear the whisperings to save them or someone else from danger. And still others are gifted to hear the whisperings of the Holy Ghost as lessons, talks (and maybe even blog posts) are prepared.

I've also learned that I am OK and when I find myself starting to compare myself to others I just remember the words of Elder Wirthlin. And the words on a small figurine I used to have when I was young, "God don't make no junk."

Blog-writing Brain Block

I have several ideas for blog posts, but my brain is tired and sitting down to blog causes all thoughts to flee immediately. But I was productive in other ways today.

I bottled 10 quarts of peaches. I took Carson back-to-school clothes shopping. It was easier than expected and we were successful in the endeavor. We also made a short trip to Costco. And I made a ymmy dinner for Dave and me--grilled portabello burgers with provolone cheese. Carson balked at eating the mushroom burger so he had a bowl of cereal.

Tomorrow is a full work day reviewing immunization records and getting geared up for the first day of school. And maybe I'll get one of those post ideas blogged.

Trying Not to Fail at Parenting

OK, Mom and Dad, you can now rest comfortably knowing that what goes around does indeed come around. This week has been a rough week with one particular teen-ager. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm trying to ruin her life. The other night she asked when we were going to cut the leash that we have on her.

Then yesterday on the way home from church we were having the same tired conversation we have had all week and she said to me "Do you even know what it is to be a teen-ager?" I guess she figured I had just somehow skipped from 12 to 20, missing all of those years in between. The problem is that I remember quite well what it is to be a teen-ager and the realities of being a teen-ager so of course that knowledge/memories will be employed while parenting of teen-agers.

But just to make sure that I'm not being overly harsh and a total kill joy, I'll ask for your opinion on the situation. Would you let your teen-age daughter go with several friends (boys and girls) to Leavenworth for a tubing trip? There will be no parents going so the kids will be driving themselves in one car, maybe 2 depending on the number of kids going. It's a four hour drive with much of it on a 2-lane highway.

I'm sure you can probably guess what our answer was since the teen-ager is accusing of us of keeping her on a leash. And she is mad that we have been completely unapologetic about our answer.

Wow, That Was Totally Inappropriate

Dave wrestled in college. He spent a lot of time at the gym and athletic training room. Dave was also pretty bad at reading flirting or come-ons. He was hit on A LOT by girls who were working in the training room. Dave would come home at least twice a week telling me about another girl who had asked him out. I would often laugh as he was recounting the conversation because it was pretty clear how clueless he was that the girl was working up to asking him out. It never bothered me that he would come home with these stories.

However, today Dave came home with a story that really got my hackles up. Apparently at his place of employment there is a group of ladies who often make comments about how the guys dress, how they look, the guys' bodies, etc. Now I suppose if they kept their comments to themselves I would give them a pass, but today they totally crossed the line.

Dave's recounting of the incident goes something like this. He walked in to the area where these ladies work to discuss some work situation with one of them. As he approaches the ladies hush their voices and start to laugh. Dave asked what was so funny. One of the ladies said "Nothing. We were just wondering if we rubbed your stomach could we feel ripples?" Dave said "You will never find out." He also told them that their question was not appropriate.

Dave was totally taken aback by these ladies brashness. I think he must have spent all day worrying that the shirt he wore today was too tight because almost immediately upon walking in the door tonight he said to me, "Is this shirt too tight?" I almost didn't take his question seriously because I don't think David owns any shirts that would be classified as "tight". But I assured him that the shirt was not tight and then I told him that the ladies were way out of line for saying something like that to him.

So while my husband getting asked out on a date might have been funny when we were in college (disclaimer: David never wore his wedding ring in the gym or training room so the girls didn't know he was married), having a group of ladies now asking to rub my husband's stomach is not only not humorous, it is inappropriate and offensive.

What happened to boundaries and common decency?

It's Only a Little More Than a Mile

A funny thing happens to one's sense of distance when one routinely runs distances greater than 5 miles. Your sense of what is far and not far changes. What once seemed far and impossible, now is short and totally doable. That's what I noticed today.

This afternoon I had a Relief Society presidency meeting. The meeting was at the secretary's house. Her house is only a little over a mile away from my house. I had been driving around all morning doing errands and the last thing I wanted to do was get back in the truck and drive to her house. So I decided to walk.

It felt good to walk. As I was walking, I thought about how my perspective about distances had changed. A few years ago, a mile would have seemed far. Now? Just a short little 20 minute walk.

While I was walking I wondered if the pioneers had the same type of shift in perspective and that is how they were able to walk and walk and walk each day. And then I wondered if it was really hard to get going on Monday and Monday's miles seemed much harder than the rest of the weeks?

Blowing His Mind

This week I've done a few things that have completely surprised Dave.

First, fly-fishing. I didn't actually go fly-fishing, but I did attend a fly-fishing class on Tuesday.

Granted, it was a Relief Society activity.

And David was the one teaching.

But, still, I was there and tried my best to learn how to cast a fly line.

David is blown away thinking I might fish with him someday.

Second, hemming. Yes, I did indeed hem a pair of pants for David.

Dave often jokes that he had to a have daughter so his buttons can be sewn on

and his pants hemmed.

He's not far off.

Except, I think he should learn how to do those things himself.

Not his daughter (or wife).

But, Wednesday I took pity on him and hemmed a pair of pants for him.

David is blown away with the knowledge that I can actually hem.

Third, first drives.

Carson got his permit yesterday.

Dave and I decided long ago that he would be the one

to take the kids out on their first drives.

But since I was on a roll surprising Dave,

I took Carson on his first drive.

It was only in the CV high school parking lot.

I only said "Carson!" once.

Dave was blown away when he learned I actually did

take Carson on his first drive.

What a fun week.

Should be good for a few reciprocal surprises for our anniversary.

Which is coming up in a couple of weeks.

I Wonder if I Need a High Sodium Diet

Saturday morning I tried to run 8 miles with a group of friends. I prefer to run early (5 a.m.) before it gets too hot. These ladies balk at the thought of running before 7, particularly on a Saturday. I really wanted to run with them because I think they're pretty cool and we had to discuss my recent post on the VLC. So, even though it was pushing the high 60's on Saturday morning, I joined them.

I prepared well that morning, getting up early to make sure I had taken in enough fluids. This included 4 oz of water at about 2 hours before the run and then 8 oz of electrolyte drink 1 hour before the run. Fifteen minutes before I ran, I took 2 Shot Bloks. I also took a gu with me on the run along with the electrolyte drink. I'm not sure what else I should have done to prepare and care for myself on the run.

I didn't wear my Garmin (oh yeah, I got a new one for my birthday) so I'm not sure what our pace was. I do know that we were able to have a good discussion about the VLC as well as talking to kids about sex. I was really enjoying being with these ladies. Nevertheless, I'm guessing it was about mile 4 when I started to notice auras in front of my eyes. The next mile or so included chills, decreased sweating, tingling in my hands, and occassional dizziness. It was probably around mile 6 when I sent the ladies on their way and I finished the last mile and 3/4 on my own alternating running with walking.

You have no idea how frustrating this is for me! I'm a good runner, but add a little heat and I crumble. My body just can't do it and I feel like a complete wimpy idiot. As I was finishing the run, I was thinking about what else I could do and about how badly I had to pee. The fact that my body was telling me I had to pee was frustrating because, as far as I was concerned, there shouldn't have been any fluid left in my body with how crappy my run was going. And no, this sense of full bladder had nothing to do with having a couple of kids and now being 40. I had to stop at the Athletic Club so I could use the bathroom. Warning: TMI to follow. My urine was almost completely clear and it wasn't just a couple of drops.

That made no sense to me so I got to wondering if I lose too much sodium through my sweat (I look like I'm frosted before I'm done running) and if that sodium loss interferes with my body's ability to use the water that I do take in. If water is supposed to be used to aid in cooling, and my body isn't using it efficiently, maybe that is why I can't tolerate the heat. I don't even know if that makes sense. I also wonder if my spongey kidney impacts this whole sodium/water balance.

While running, I realized that this isn't the first time that I have had the full bladder issue during a run. But interestingly enough, it only occurs during the runs where the temp is greater than 60 degrees and I feel too hot. That is what started me thinking about the water/sodium balance. I meant to write that with the original post, but hit "publish" before I typed it.

The VLC

Have you heard of the VLC? I wasn't real familar with this particular club until a couple of months ago when I was walking with some ladies from church. They were speaking about the club and hoping that their daughters would maintain their membership until after high school. The moms were also talking about the incentives/rewards being offered to the daughters if they remained a member. Since I wasn't familar with the club and the moms were talking about significant chunks of change being offered to their daughters, I finally asked what the VLC was.

The answer....

The Virgin Lips Club

I hadn't ever heard of such a thing. I asked about "membership" for boys and if I remember correctly, the moms didn't indicate that the same incentives were offered to their boys. It would have never occurred to me to offer Katelyn some serious money in exchange for her never kissing a boy while she is in high school. But now that she is going out on an "outing" tomorrow with a boy from work, I may be interested in learning more about this "club".

Of course offering this option to Katelyn would mean that I would have to ignore all that I think is wrong with this "club". I don't like the double standard that appears to be set up by only focusing on the girls never kissing a boy. Of course, each family sets up their own membership standards so obviously if this were established in our family, both children would be offered the opportunity. However, the biggest problem I have with this club is I don't believe people should be paid for obedience. Paying for obedience delays the important transition of learning to obey out of love rather than thought of reward. I think the teen-age years, with all of the establishing of independence, maturing, etc., are the perfect time to begin making this transition to a more mature level of obedience.

Lowering the Rope and Bringing It Back Up

I'm teaching in Relief Society next Sunday. I've known for about a month that I would be teaching so I have been thinking about teaching topics. A few weeks ago I was reading an article in the Ensign. The article was about Christ as the Living Water and drinking deeply from the His well.

As I was reading, this paragraph hit me like a ton of bricks...

I wonder if we who get clean water from taps in our homes

sometimes expect to come to Christ with the same ease

as turning a knob to get a glass of water.

I must have reread that particular paragraph 3 or 4 times as I thought about how that applies to my life. I pictured the living water in the bottom of a well. Reading scriptures, attending my meetings, praying, etc. are the things that lower the bucket to the water, but what must I do to get the bucket back up so I can partake of the water? Hefting the rope back up takes work and I think that is what that particular paragraph was saying to me.

I spent my devotional time at Young Women's Camp contemplating the work that I must do to get the bucket back up. Reading scriptures, attending meetings and praying are all relatively easy for me, and while important, are not necessarily enough to  allow me to feel fully filled by Christ. My work is going to include such things as being more grateful for all of my blessings and expressing that gratitude more often; continuing to discover and develop those talents that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with and using those talents to glorify God (Matthew 5:16); continuing to serve; finding and expressing charity (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7); and giving away all my sins to know God (Alma 22:18).

As the last item, giving away all my sins, came into my mind I really stopped to think about that. I know there are things I hold on to just because they are easy and familar and sometimes change is hard. It's easy to be sarcastic. Sometimes it's easier to hold onto the belief that I am right rather than apologize and move on. Oh, there are so many more, but those are two are the only ones I choose to admit to right now.

So, what do you think? Will this make a good Relief Society Lesson?