Angry Usually Means Something Else

The other night I was having dinner with a group of friends. The conversation turned to kids and they asked how Katelyn did at school her first year. I took a deep breath and said "Well, socially she did great. Academically, well, that was not nearly as successful." The friends were curious about what exactly this meant and as I began to explain, frustration and anger bubbled out. It was kind-of a downer and conversation killer.

Later that night as I was thinking about the conversation I realized that my anger was just a face for some other emotions. First, I'm worried and scared for Katelyn. What will her life look like if college isn't a success for her and she can't find a job? I certainly don't want her to live a life of just barely scraping by, but I feel completely paralyzed in my ability to help.

Second, the anger was just a defense mechanism to try and mask the real failure...me. From the time that I held her in my arms for the first time I wanted to be nothing more than the best mom that I could be. I thought I had done a good job working with Dave to build a safe, loving home that provided structure, a place to safely take risks, somewhere to learn responsibility and accountability. I thought we had given her the tools necessary to be a successful college student. I thought wrong. And realizing that her failure was due mostly in part to my failure as a mother was a crushing blow. I grew up hearing at church that the role of mother was the most important work that a woman could ever do. Raising the next generation to be responsible, contributing adults was a sacred calling and here I was a failure at my most important calling (something I actually felt called to do as opposed to my job as a nurse). Of course I was angry. I was just angry at the wrong person.

While I feel bad about how the conversation with my friends went, I am grateful for the opportunity it gave me to really reflect on what was going on with my emotions. Realizing that the anger and frustration were just covering up the real emotions of worry, fear, and failure was a huge revelation to me. It was actually liberating because I can now the blame from Katelyn and place it on me. It also helped me redefine what success is. Katelyn is much more successful than I will ever be because she is loving, kind, quick to not judge. If we have to build a new house with an apartment for her, well then so be it. I won't let her live a life of hardship just to try and teach her some tough love lesson.

One other thing I realized, I'm completely lacking in faith at times. No matter how much I like to plan and be in charge, all goes according to Heavenly Father's plan. He loves us and He wants us to be happy and successful. He knows Katelyn, her talents, her weaknesses, her dreams and desires. He will lead and guide. Now is my time to just be still and know that He is God.