I keep repeating those words over and over to myself as I nurse Carson through his second shoulder surgery. Pain and disappoint are tough and don't bring out the best in him. I try hard to keep him comfortable and make this time as restful as possible. But I don't ever seem to do it quite right and he gets grumpy. Then I feel like not trying at all. And once those feelings start, they are followed shortly by feelings of guilt, that I should try harder and not take the grumpy meanness personally.
I went to work today after making sure that he was sufficiently medicated. I found it to be a welcome reprieve. That sounds horrible doesn't it. It probably is horrible, but it is the reality of how I was feeling today. But going to work was just enough of a break that I was happy to get home...for about 20 minutes.
"Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought"
The next phrase of the song that entered into my mind. This time I was trying to think happy thoughts so I wouldn't be frustrated with the other man in the house. He went to work yesterday and today. he didn't even inquire to see if missing 3 days of work would be convenient for me. What happened to sharing the load of providing care? When we're both home, why should I always be the default "go-to" person? Carson asked for a sandwich. Dave looked at me to get it for him. Carson needed his pain medication. Again, I did that. Carson needed to email his psychology teacher. Dave looked at me to help him. When it became clear that Carson was pushing my buttons and I was pushing his, Dave threw his hands in the air and said to me "don't do that."
"I'm trying to love as He did in all that I do and say"
Trying so hard, but failing miserably. Feeling guilty for failing and for wanting to quit when my efforts are unappreciated.
No comments:
Post a Comment