I was looking back at the posts from January 2014 and realized I had not picked a focus word for 2014. The previous 3 years I did have focus words, words that reflected attributes that I wanted to improve upon during that year. And while 2014 wasn't a wasted year and I am sure that I improved in small ways, I didn't want 2015 to be year without a specific focus. That left me with trying to figure out what I wanted to improve upon.
The word that seemed to present itself to me is not one that I would typically use to describe myself, but according to 3 different Facebook personality tests*, it is my best personality trait. That word is sensitivity. The first time sensitivity came up as the answer, I scoffed and said "yeah right". So when a different variation of the quiz showed up a few days later, I took that quiz to see what I would get. I actually got a little perturb, almost mad, when the same word showed up. Not satisfied to see sensitivity as my best personality trait, I took another variation of the quiz again. And on the third try, with the same result, I took a step back and said to myself, maybe there is something here that you are supposed to pay attention to.
Why the visceral, negative reaction to the possibility that sensitivity might be my best personality quality? Well, here's the thing. When you are sensitive you are more open to being hurt by other's actions. No one likes being hurt. And I have been hurt deeply by people that I thought were friends, who I trusted and loved. I put up walls and became very guarded in my interactions with people.
I'll admit that sometimes that means that I am lonely and I probably have missed out on some great friendships. It also means that sometimes I have hurt others before they could hurt me. To me it was easier to push people away rather than risk the possibility of letting them in and then getting hurt by them.
Yes, that is a sucky way to live and as years have passed I have tried to be more open. But old habits are hard to break.
Now don't get me wrong. I enjoy serving others. I want to help others feel better. I want to help them succeed. I want to soothe their sorrows. But I think I do all this on the surface. I mean I do take deep interest in other people, but I don't reciprocate. Meaning I don't allow others the same opportunity to take deep interest what troubles me, what drives me, what hurts me. I hold those thing close to my heart.
So maybe sensitivity isn't just about seeing others' needs and offering aid. Maybe it is also about allowing others to see my needs and allowing them to offer aid to me. Oh, this will be hard. Because what if that reciprocity doesn't happen? What if I express a need (no mind-reading required) and it goes ignored or unanswered by those I consider friends? I have learned it is easier to do for myself rather than rely on others and risk being disappointed by them.
As a side note, I realized that by closing my heart off to others, I had inadvertently closed it off to being sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. As I seek for my Heavenly Father's guidance, I need to have a heart that feel the quiet, gentle promptings of the Holy Ghost.
This is going to be an interesting year. And I'm going to need help from my friends as well as their patience. I'm sure that many conversations will take place where I will divert the conversation away from what is going on with me (except for maybe on the surface) and place the focus right back on the other person. Keep trying. Eventually I will get this figured out and our friendships will go to another level.
*Yes, I realize that I am giving too much credibility to Facebook quizzes, way more credibility than they deserve. However, they did provide me with a focus word for 2015. I would have never thought of sensitivity on my own.
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